Top tip: Fool your friends into thinking you use expensive butter by buying cheap marge and ripping holes in the bread. It’s only a matter of time before someone does it at Pittodrie and wins Man of the Match. This trend of idiots running on to football pitches needs to stop. Can’t come in today, boss, just tested positive for monkeypox.Įverton fans climb on the frame of the goal during a pitch invasion after the match to celebrate avoiding relegation from the Premier League (Image: Reuters/Carl Recine) Or There Ain’t No Cure For The Zimmer Time Blues, I Can See Clearly Now My Specs Have Come, You’re So Varicose Vein, These Boots Are Made For Bunions and Walk-In Bath To Happiness. If the Rolling Stones legend fancies recording a few cover versions to suit his twilight years, how about thisĪnother One Bites The Crust, We’re All Going On A Saga Holiday, Stairlift To Heaven, Hit Me With Your Walking Stick, Hippy Hippy Replacement, Twist & Gout, Staying Alive, Baby Can You Light The Fire, When I Was 64, I’ll Be Your Grey Haired Lover With Liver Pills. Talking of the golden oldies, Mick Jagger (78) says he could end up belting out his hits in a comfy cardigan (like Val Doonican) or sitting on a stool (like Perry Como).Īhhh, I can almost hear him singing Gimme Sheltered Housing… She later won first prize for Best Dried Arrangement. The opening ceremony at last year’s Chelsea Flower Show was interrupted by an 88-year-old streaker. When I saw the pics of VIP Day at the Chelsea Flower Show on Monday – with guests including Mary Berry (87) and Joan Collins (89) – it reminded me to dust down the old gag that I traditionally tell to mark the famous floral festival. Mick Jagger of The Rolling Stones (Image: 2021 Getty Images) Mick plans more of Perry Como's Magic Moments
In the new series, I can exclusively reveal she’ll attempt to get passengers on a train from Glasgow to Edinburgh after 9pm… Get that and you’re gonna croak…Īny chance we could Challenge Anneka to get rid of monkeypox? Along with her trusty cameraman and helicopter pilot, she’s heading to Channel 5 later this year.īack in the 80s and 90s when the show was a huge ratings hit, you may recall Ms Rice (in her colourful boiler suits) organising a party for 6000 disadvantaged children, restoring a Romanian orphanage in under a week or helping the Blood Transfusion Service by rounding up 41,000 new donors in one day. Just make sure, dear reader, you don’t contract frogpox. You’ll be laughing about it in no time.īut what if you get chameleonpox? Will the doctor be able to see you…? At least hyenapox is nothing to worry about.
Hamsterpox? Stay away from the fairground or it might take four hours to get you off the big wheel.Īrmadillopox? Can’t stop singing Tony Christie’s greatest hit. Pandapox? I’m told this will put you off sex.Įlephantpox? Inflammation of the nose and ears.īatpox? Ah, that explains why granny is hanging upside down in the loft. Rhinocerospox? Those afflicted charge at jeeps. What on Earth can we expect next, I wonder?
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